“I’m So Sorry” Isn’t Always Enough: What to Say and What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
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If you are an adult of a certain age, or just past your teenage years, you have likely faced a situation where someone you know has lost a loved one. Your mind goes blank, and you search for the right words to say. Often, it is not that there is a lack of thoughts, but that a hundred things are racing through your mind, and your mouth freezes, unable to make the reflex connection between thoughts and speech.
This feeling is universal. The fear of saying the wrong thing or sounding awkward can be paralysing. We all want our words to help, not add to someone’s pain.
In Kenya, we have a unique lifeline in these moments: our culture. Historically, many African traditions are not centred on words, perhaps because our ancestors understood their insufficiency. A simple handshake, a firm grasp on the shoulder, or a meaningful glance can convey more than a thousand phrases. Actions speak loudest, whether it is a group of women cooking for guests or men digging a grave. These acts of presence and service are a profound expression of communal grief.
However, in our modern world, words have become an essential part of the process. Whether spoken in person or written, communication is now commonplace. This guide is here to help you navigate those moments. Consider this not as a rigid rulebook, but as a compassionate tool to use at your discretion. It is a guide to words that connect, and those that, no matter how well-intentioned, can unintentionally hurt. Remember, sometimes, saying nothing at all and just being there is still the best response, just as our ancestors knew.
Do Say This and Mean It
The most comforting words are often the simplest and most honest. They validate a person's grief without trying to fix it.
“I’m here with you.”
This is one of the most powerful things you can offer: your presence. In a culture where community is everything, simply showing up and being present speaks volumes. It is an act of solidarity that says, "You are not alone in this." This offers kinship and support, giving a sense of belonging in a time of profound isolation.
-> Contextual Example: Instead of just saying "I'm so sorry," you could say, "I'm coming over to sit with you," or "I will be with you and your family as you prepare for the funeral." This is not just a phrase; it is a commitment to action.
“Tell me about them.”
This invites them to share their memories, keeping their loved one's story alive. It signals that their life mattered and that you are willing to listen without judgement. It is a way to shift the focus from the raw pain of loss to the joy of what they shared. This is especially powerful for friends and people with a close personal relationship, as it helps turn moments of venting into a shared celebration of a life.
-> Contextual Example: You might ask, "I remember how they used to tell jokes at family gatherings. What is your favourite memory of them?" This is particularly important for younger generations, who may need to hear stories about the life and legacy of an elder they did not get to know fully.
“What do you need me to do?”
Grief is overwhelming, and small, everyday tasks can feel impossible. This practical offer of help is a lifeline. Instead of the vague "Call me if you need anything," which puts the burden on them, this phrase puts the ball in your court.
-> Contextual Example: You could specify, "Can I bring some food for the family?" "Should I help with the farm work?" or "Do you need help running errands for the burial committee?" These actions offer real, tangible support that is often needed most.
Don’t Say This, Even if You Mean Well
While these phrases often start with good intentions, they can feel dismissive and minimise a person's pain. They try to offer a reason or a solution for the loss, which a grieving person is rarely ready to hear.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Origin & Issue: This phrase is often an upgraded, more modern version of the religious phrase, "God gives, and God takes." While it aims to offer solace, it can sound like the pain is justified, deserved, or being brushed aside. To a person grappling with grief, this phrase denies the chaos and injustice they feel. It can also trigger guilt or regret, especially in cases of sudden or tragic loss.
Reference: Psychologists often refer to this as a "platitude that invalidates" a person's emotions. A better approach is to acknowledge their pain with something like, “This is so hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
Origin & Issue: This phrase is often used when an elderly person passes away, as if to imply that their death was expected or less painful. However, grief is not measured by age. The length of a life does not lessen the pain of absence, and a long life does not make the loss of a parent, grandparent, or lifelong companion any less painful. This phrase can imply their sadness is not valid.
Reference: The concept of "prolonged grief disorder" acknowledges that intense grief can occur regardless of the deceased's age. It’s especially unhelpful for those who were raised by their grandparents or who relied on an elder as a constant companion. A better approach is to focus on the person, not their age. Try instead: “They were such an important part of your life. I know you will miss them deeply.”
“They’re in a better place now.”
Origin & Issue: This is a common sentiment in Christian and other faiths, suggesting the deceased is at peace in heaven. While it may be a comforting thought for you, for the person grieving, the “best” place for their loved one is right here with them. This phrase can feel like a spiritual platitude that invalidates their longing for their loved one's physical presence.
Reference: It is important to remember that not everyone shares the same religious beliefs. With a growing number of people in Kenya and abroad who hold non-religious or agnostic beliefs, this phrase is no longer as universally accepted as it once was. Opt for empathy instead: “I know how much you loved them,” and then offer a shared fact or memory.
“How is the family doing?”
Issue: While seemingly a caring question, it can be too overwhelming for someone in grief. Grieving families, particularly in our cultural context, are often dealing with complex dynamics, funeral politics, and inter-family expectations. This question can force them to navigate a minefield of emotions on top of their own.
A Better Approach: Direct your care to the person in front of you. Ask, “How are you holding up today?”
Beyond Words: The Power of Presence
Sometimes, the most profound comfort comes without a single word.
-> Acts of Service: In our communities, this is a powerful tradition. Bringing a meal, helping with chores, or simply fetching something they need is a way of showing you care. It speaks to a cultural understanding that grief is a collective burden, not an individual one.
->Silence: Don't feel pressured to fill every moment with words. Simply sitting in silence, holding their hand, or offering a supportive hug can be a more meaningful expression of empathy than any phrase.
->A Shared Moment: For a spouse, it might be remembering their favourite hymn or meal. For a friend, it might be looking at old photographs together. These small moments honour the life that was, without needing to rush the process of healing.
In the end, what matters is sincerity. A simple, honest "I'm so sorry, I'm here for you," combined with genuine action, will always be more comforting than a well-meaning but empty platitude. Your presence, your listening ear, and your willingness to help are the true anchors in a storm of grief.
Citations
-> Shear, M.K., Ghesquiere, A., & Glickman, K. (2013). Bereavement and the First Year of Loss. Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 30(2), 163-181.
->McKissock, M., & McKissock, D. (2018). Coping with Grief. SAGE Journals, 25(1), 12-25.
Wright, N.T. (2003). For All the Saints? Remembering the Christian Departed. SPCK Publishing.
->The British Humanist Association. Provides resources on non-religious perspectives on death and grief, highlighting the importance of secular support.
->Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (2019). Kenya Population and Housing Census. Nairobi: Kenya National Bureau of Statistics.
